@SaveItForFest

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

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@HatfieldAnne

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of birds going to any concert they want for free. Maybe get a job and buy a ticket like the rest of us.

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

@Darlainky

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

@Steelers1972

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

@ThisOneSayz

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

@ewfeez

Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away

@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

@AtticusFinch79

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him