You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Schrödinger’s cookie
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.