You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
i will not be silenced
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)