[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
You see two puppies.
But they’re cannibal puppies!
One puppy eats the other!
Then he takes a nap.
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[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t