You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My teenage children choosing violence
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve