@theevilwriter

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

You Might Also Like

@c12h22o11balls

Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?

@BobTheSuit

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

@david8hughes

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

@junejuly12

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

@SteelFontana

I’m going as “Twitter Elite” for Halloween. I’m going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

@caitiedelaney

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me