You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

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Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?


Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.


[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”


M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.


My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.


I’m going as “Twitter Elite” for Halloween. I’m going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.


Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin


Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me