it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
don’t be scared
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –