Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
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*gets drunk outside*
*gets drunk inside*
God: you’re a cow.
Cow: what do I eat?
God: you just can’t get enough grass.
Cow: like a lawnmower?
God: uh sure.
Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.
God: was that a cow pun?
Cow: yes did you like it : )
God: it was udderly adorable : )
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.