You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

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Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid


God: you’re a cow.

Cow: what do I eat?

God: you just can’t get enough grass.

Cow: like a lawnmower?

God: uh sure.

Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.

God: was that a cow pun?

Cow: yes did you like it : )



God: it was udderly adorable : )


I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”


No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.


I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.


HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this


Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die


The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.