A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Her: ‘Do I look fat in this?’
Me: ‘Do I look stupid in this?’
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking “how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads…”
Him: What are you?
Me: An introvert.
Him: I don’t get it. It just looks like normal clothes.
Me: *already went home*