I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Story of my life…..
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
the Monday after daylight savings
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.