You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.