common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.