7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”