Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.