You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa