you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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Think I pulled my liver
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Challenge accepted.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.