You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
You Might Also Like
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
when you order from DoorDastardly
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]