*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature
me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features
*inside camp-out tent*
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”