You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.