You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about