You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
who wants to go expliring
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
That 👊
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.