“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”

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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…


Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.


A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.


Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn’t know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou


Me: I love you
Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril
Me: that is also true


Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill


I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.