You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You Might Also Like
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Never be a pizza!
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.