“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

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*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?


God: Women will bleed for a week.

Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.


*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*


I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.


According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.


You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.


Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes