“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Huge, if true.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*