@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

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@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@DumbConfessions

God: Women will bleed for a week.

Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.

@beefman138

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

@MomOnFire

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

@sophielou

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

@AmishPornStar1

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes