“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions