@AlexvanBeek

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

You Might Also Like

@aparnapkin

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

@WalkingOutside

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

@sammyrhodes

Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.

@irishrygirl

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

@gabydunn

You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”

@wilco30

”Your call is important to us……please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo”

@StcyBnsn

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

@ImTawanda

1. Africa’s the 2nd most populous continent on earth.So when U meet an African abroad,dont ask us if we know sme other African U met before

@OfficeofSteve

Fathers Day is great because it gives you the opportunity to give back the tools you’ve borrowed from your dad over the year

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?