You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.


I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.


Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.


My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.


You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”


”Your call is important to us……please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo”


Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”


1. Africa’s the 2nd most populous continent on earth.So when U meet an African abroad,dont ask us if we know sme other African U met before


Fathers Day is great because it gives you the opportunity to give back the tools you’ve borrowed from your dad over the year


911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?


me: 911 how would I know?