You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
You Might Also Like
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
i love modern commerce
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE