@BatBatshitcrazy

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

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@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

@natechartier1

*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”

*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”

@LaziestCanine

[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: okay
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you

@lazerdoov

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

@dumbbeezie

If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone

@_making_friends

I’m currently between relationships.

The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.

@rcromwell4

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

@Twtercide

*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious

@Schmoodles

If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.

@roxiqt

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you