He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”
*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”
[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
I’m currently between relationships.
The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
*blows birthday candles
Candles: I don’t want anything serious
If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you