You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
the world’s most popular steaming services
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”