If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.