You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
welcome back
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.