You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer