Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
You should never laminate your kill list.
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Twice baked potatoes
-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.
“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”
You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…