My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
house sitting!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
And then there were 4
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.