You should never laminate your kill list.

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Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat


New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.


[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?


*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*


3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.


“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.


Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.


I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…