Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
blocked.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m awake but I object,
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.