Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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some things should go without saying
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
The best plant holders?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Beware of fowl play.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
LOL