How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[first time having sex]
Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?
Couch cushion: ….
#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*
Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?