You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.