You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

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How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?


Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.


I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.


Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.


It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee


A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.


Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…

Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends


GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf