@FeverFlave

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

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@moose_chocolate

How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

@anymysha

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

@iGreenMonk

I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@Smuirf

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.

@Asbo_Unicorn

It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee

@Brianhopecomedy

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

@unmehlievable

Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…

Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends

@BlindChow

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf