sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.
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If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
BARNES: “What if it wasn’t just empty cabinets?”
NOBLE: “Let’s sell books!”
AND: “This is why we make such a great team.”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.