@OctopusCavemann

You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.

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@fuzzlime

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

@edheenan

If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?

@NewDadNotes

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

@meganamram

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

@SamGrittner

BARNES: “What if it wasn’t just empty cabinets?”
NOBLE: “Let’s sell books!”
AND: “This is why we make such a great team.”

@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

@ArfMeasures

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

@KateWhineHall

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.