People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
You Might Also Like
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Spell check is for lasers.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year