“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer