My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
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HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER:
Hi, I’m your server.
“Our son got a degree!”
Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”