You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers