All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
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Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?
Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test
Me: so you mean…
Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
They cancelling everything but work.
I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?