You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.


Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3


COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no



Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?

Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.


Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*


Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test

Me: so you mean…

Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply


I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.


I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.


*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?