@super_morgasm

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

- @super_morgasm

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@SortaBad

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

@youngkrazz

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

@McAttack88

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

@Book_Krazy

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@ComedicBust

[role playing in bed as pirates]

Me: Arggh, I want that booty.

Her: *giggling* Mmmk

Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…

@ShakesREMIX

My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.

@HatfieldAnne

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

@Woody_B_

Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter

@_ElvishPresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*