@super_morgasm

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

You Might Also Like

@GrrrRach

Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require?

Me: Oh! Don’t mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.

@sophielou

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

@hiitsgabrielle

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not

@JimmerThatisAll

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

@flashember

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

@jonnysun

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

@joeyellis

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

@AaronFullerton

Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”

@xLiserx

How long into a conversation is it too late to admit you’ve forgotten his name? We’ve been married 6 years.