Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require?
Me: Oh! Don’t mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”
How long into a conversation is it too late to admit you’ve forgotten his name? We’ve been married 6 years.