@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

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@timbolton1

BREAKING: A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

@kelkulus

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

@djdarrellripley

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

@ilovepie84

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

@BillPelicanBros

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

@ddsmidt

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

@PanicRestroom

Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”

@shahnischmani

I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS

@Matt_The_1st

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

@sincir3000

why do people with two hands order drinks one at a time?