BREAKING: A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”
I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS
“What’s wrong with our country?”
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
why do people with two hands order drinks one at a time?