You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.