You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
(Electricians.)
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.