You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
(by @ZachWeiner )
School be like
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”