@Barknado69

“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”

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@LittleMissAngr1

I spent an hour trying to interpret the meaning of the new art installation at the park, only to find out it is just a lamppost that got knocked down.

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

@Dawn_M_

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

@itswrigley

I never did think of myself as beautiful, terribly attractive, yes, but not beautiful.

@DanMentos

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

@ColesTwitt3r

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

@Parentpains

Apparently “I’ll break your god damn legs” isn’t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.

@DrakeGatsby

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

@TheAlexNevil

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.