*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
his wife is probably gonna see that
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
*aggressively waits in line*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.