“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”

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I spent an hour trying to interpret the meaning of the new art installation at the park, only to find out it is just a lamppost that got knocked down.


So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”


My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.


I never did think of myself as beautiful, terribly attractive, yes, but not beautiful.


Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans


i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video


Apparently “I’ll break your god damn legs” isn’t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.


Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.


*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.