Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!