You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’d hang this in my house.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono