You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV