duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim