You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?

Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.

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[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy


You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.


the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words


How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.


If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.


THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable


I went outside and the air was cold and polluted.

That made me think of you.


Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.


When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.


I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.