“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
You Might Also Like
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face