@Death_Buddy

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

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@animaldrumss

No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.

@DrDogMD

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

@causticbob

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

@tgonefishin

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

@BKLYNBeeyotch

Me: Well, I’m on strict no-contact orders due to my compromised immune system, but pretty soon my hair will be long enough that I can just close my apartment door on it and have someone outside cut it for me.

Taco Bell guy on the phone:

@murrman5

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

@sixthformpoet

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

@DjKC_117

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.