You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

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No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.


Cat: I think i have a rash.



Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank


Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere


Me: Well, I’m on strict no-contact orders due to my compromised immune system, but pretty soon my hair will be long enough that I can just close my apartment door on it and have someone outside cut it for me.

Taco Bell guy on the phone:


I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift


If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.


I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.