You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.