@wickedsuga

You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I’m gonna start performing an exorcism.

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@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.

@tazsme

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

@Mikecanrant

1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air

2) Name it Fresh Prints

3) Make millions

4) Move to West Philadelphia

@SummerCandyEyes

I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

@JanuaryJames

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

@Marcmywords2

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

@Kimpulses

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

@AntDiPalma

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

@yonewt

Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.