You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I’m gonna start performing an exorcism.

You Might Also Like


You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.


There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.


[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche


1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air

2) Name it Fresh Prints

3) Make millions

4) Move to West Philadelphia


I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.


I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.


Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!


I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.


A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.


Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.