The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
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[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*launders Kohls cash*
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”