Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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The game has officially changed 😎
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain