You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
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pep talk
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket