You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong

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Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home


TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible


Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.


I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.


I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…


*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*


Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.


Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.


I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.


I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.