I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
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Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?