Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses
Me (an idiot): you must be very strong
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.